Thursday, 7 March 2013


I had a bit of a break down today. I woke up in a lot of pain and quite stiff. To the point where it took me an hour before I could kneel down and feed Milo. Even then, I ended up dropping his food and had to clean it up (while crying because it was so painful!).

I never wanted to end up at a point where I would need someone to help me with daily living tasks (bathing, feeding, using the toilet, etc,) but today I was almost there. I had trouble washing my hair yesterday, today I could barely clean myself. It's a hard thing to think about, i'm only 23! I don't want to have to have someone help me clean myself! It's bad enough that I need Bran to help out with so much else, but I will not ask him to help me take care of myself in that way. I never want to have to ask him to. I don't want to get to that point!

I don't know what i'm going to do if I get any worse...

I remember working as a nurse's aide, helping others with their daily living task. They were the elderly or the severely impaired. I had no problem helping them, but I am so sensitive about other people touching me. I think that's what it might come down to. I don't know if i've come out and said this, but I was sexually abused as a young child. It has impacted me in ways i'm still sorting through today, but i'm thinking this may be one of them. I don't want to lose control of my body ever again. It's beyond the embarrassment of having someone else clean me, I know they don't care what my body looks like. It's that I don't have control over my body. I'm figuring this out as i'm typing this, so sorry if it's a bit repetitive.

I think this is something i'll need to talk over with my counsellor.

Milo's paw is looking much better BTW.

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