Break in the Storm

Feeling tired. Today my levels were significantly down, thankfully. I'm not sure why...the only differenced are that I laid down more yesterday and I actually took my panadol osteo at 6 am this morning. Whatever it is, i'm thankful. I had a nice chat with my counsellor as well. She called me rather than have me go in, as it's still difficult to walk. She thought it was good that I was able to make the connection between the childhood trama and my fears about getting worse. I'm thankful to have her as a resource. I'm hopeful that i'll be well enough to go back to school this week.

Revelations

I had a bit of a break down today. I woke up in a lot of pain and quite stiff. To the point where it took me an hour before I could kneel down and feed Milo. Even then, I ended up dropping his food and had to clean it up (while crying because it was so painful!).

I never wanted to end up at a point where I would need someone to help me with daily living tasks (bathing, feeding, using the toilet, etc,) but today I was almost there. I had trouble washing my hair yesterday, today I could barely clean myself. It's a hard thing to think about, i'm only 23! I don't want to have to have someone help me clean myself! It's bad enough that I need Bran to help out with so much else, but I will not ask him to help me take care of myself in that way. I never want to have to ask him to. I don't want to get to that point!

I don't know what i'm going to do if I get any worse...

I remember working as a nurse's aide, helping others with their daily living task. They were the elderly or the severely impaired. I had no problem helping them, but I am so sensitive about other people touching me. I think that's what it might come down to. I don't know if i've come out and said this, but I was sexually abused as a young child. It has impacted me in ways i'm still sorting through today, but i'm thinking this may be one of them. I don't want to lose control of my body ever again. It's beyond the embarrassment of having someone else clean me, I know they don't care what my body looks like. It's that I don't have control over my body. I'm figuring this out as i'm typing this, so sorry if it's a bit repetitive.

I think this is something i'll need to talk over with my counsellor.

Milo's paw is looking much better BTW.

BC and GP

Ah dear, what a day it's been.

We've had a bit of a tiff in the body corporate over what trees were meant to be cut down along our side yard. It was generally understood that tree which could cause damage were to be cut down and poisoned  I have no idea which trees can cause damage here, so Bran and I left it up to the tree lopper and other people in te BC. Well, I woke up this morning to the people cutting down almost all of the trees on the property. Again, maybe they were all potential damage inducers? I wouldn't know. But now we have some of the other owners very upset about it. It's sad to see the beautiful big trees being cut down, and I feel like I should feel worse about it...but I also feel that we need to protect our home, and it was decided that we would plant more suitable trees there once things are settled. Anyway, upset on the homefront is never nice...so thats been part of my day.

The other part of my day was going to my GP and taking care of some paperwork that I need to deal with centrelink. I've also got a new six month card for blood tests and we've decided which path to go with for the psychologist i'm seeing. I also got a big thing of good olive oil for half price :D. Tomorrow i'll need to go deal with centrelink and see of they can actually be of any assistance, if not i'll have to try somewhere else...

Overall i'm alright today, my mood has been better since I had a nice cry over labs testing on beagles yesterday. Painwise was meh, my right arm is still sore and my muscles are more tender than normal. I'll start back on my DMARDs tomorrow, but i'm glad I got a blood test done while i've been off of them for a while. It'll be interesting to see what they say.

I will also say i've taken a tramadol, I need a bit of pain relief. Goodnight

Counselors and Hollandaise

It's been a long day. Mostly because i've been a bit of a mess. Luckily today I was scheduled to see my counselor so I could talk things over with her. I'm missing my family back in the USA, some of whom I know are going through a tough time. It's a bit difficult to get in contact with them because they are all so busy and tend to be asleep most of my day (the day and night are reversed in Oz vs USA). It's been hard for me to be away from them, both when I feel like I should be there helping and when I wish someone could help me. I know everything will work out alright, and i'll just need to keep trying to keep in contact.

Other than that I made poached eggs with hollandaise sauce for dinner :D. It was a pretty easy little sauce, made much easier with the help of a double boiler (aka a big bowl I have over a little pot XD).

Easy Hollandaise Sauce (rough estimate of ingredients)

1 1/2 TB butter

1/2 TB lemon juice

1 egg yolk

3 TB thickened cream*

1/2 TS dijon mustard

Pepper to taste

Melt butter in double boiler. 

Add lemon juice, yolk, and cream. Whisk continuously until thickened. 

Take off heat and add mustard and pepper to taste. 

* Pouring or whipping cream should work fine :) 

This made enough for four eggs worth of coverage. Very yummy <3. Keep in mind you can add more of pretty much any ingredient to taste, just be careful it doesn't get too hot and split. 

Update (yes, really)

Goodness, it's been over a month since i've entertained my two readers with my oh-so-interesting rambling!

Thats because we don't have internet at the apartment >.> but as the roof is being repaired, we are back with my MiL.

So here is an update in a nutshell:

-Did on the job training
-Had three shifts
-Had an incident on the third shift which resulted in me hurting my back
-Went on workers comp.
-Went into full on fibro flair
-Still figuring things out job wise, but it's quite possible I wont be able to return to that job :(

-Started back at Uni
-Going well.

-Started Cymbalta
-Hate Cymbalta
-Going off Cymbalta
-Starting to get withdrawal symptoms already, and i've only decreased the dose.
-If I still need something for anxiety, i'll try a naturopathic medicine. I'm tired of all these pills...

-Milo was doing really well with barking and doggy daycare
-Milo got a tummy bug :(
-Milo was fine
-Milo's tummy bug returned with vengeance
-Milo lost a lot of weight do to tummy bug :(
-We had to be very careful what he ate, while trying to get his weight up.
-Milo is doing much better :) weight is back up and he's happy

I haven't been able to go to any meet ups or hang out with anyone due to all this random stuff that keeps popping up. I've also been tired, not quite exhausted, but easily fatigued.

On a lighter note, i've finally started losing weight again! I believe this is due to both getting off some of the meds that cause weight gain and bringing a very healthy lunch with me to school. Plus I just haven't been able to handle as much crap.

As far as joints go, they haven't been too bad. My jaw on the right side had been painful off and on for about three weeks, but really it doesn't hurt me to have to eat oatmeal instead of chips ;). My R ankle is bothersome, also for about three weeks. Thats a bit more concerning, but there isn't really anything that can be done. My walking stick has been getting a work out! BTW, after speaking with my lovely counsellor, I have decided to refer to my walking stick as my Happy Stick from now on.

Brain Fog

I've had a very marshmallow brain day. All day. But I think part of it was due to a migraine since I started having ocular abnormalities. A nap helped with that.

I had a good session with my counsellor. She helped me come up with some other pain management strategies and we talked about how to handle my rheumatologist. We also talked about a potential job i'm going for. The job is being a carer for someone with a spinal cord injury. It includes personal care as well as some cooking a light housework. I should be able to handle it just fine as it is a no lift job.

In other news, I took some tramadol earlier today. I haven't really felt hungry since. And my brain had been more foggy. It has taken the edge off the pain, but I still feel it. Maybe i'll try a voltarin and a tramadol tonight and see how that goes.

Heading over to the apartment tomorrow.

Tough Stuff

Ah dear, feeling very tired.

I had a quite emotional counselling appointment today. We were talking about my Mum, who passed away in 2007.

I simply have no more energy to give today. R hand and elbow sore. R knee and foot sore.

Adventure Day with Medical Professionals!

Ah dear. It's been a very busy day today. I didn't sleep well last night so that hasn't helped.

It started off cold. Cold and sore. After a hot shower and curling into a ball for a while I could move. It then continued on to going to my lovely counselor. As lovely as she is, we were tackling a difficult issue using EMDR therapy. I do feel that i've mostly processed what needed to be done and I do feel much less anxiety in regards to the issue. Which is great news as it's something that has caused me great emotional stress for most of my life. Oh but there is more, next time we are working on some family of origin issues! Good stuff.

Next up I had a (free!) bus ride back into the gap. That was bumpy but otherwise fine. Got my little implanon thing, visited the vampires (had to give blood for a lab test), and then visited a different gp to get the implanon inserted (my gp doesn't do it, sad). That was mostly fine except that local anesthetic hurts >.> more than her actually inserting the little rod under my skin. Now I have a nice bruise forming under a compression bandage that i'm meant to keep on for 24 hours.

After that I felt like I was going to pass out.

So after some rest and actually eating I did feel mostly better. I had a fun adventure in the grocery store with a brain that felt like a marshmallow. I don't remember half of what I got but it included chocolate, cookies, coffee and coffee mate. So i'm set ;).

Soreness was down a bit today (huzzah!). Still mostly hands, wrists,  R foot, R knee, and shoulders. My elbows are a bit more sore now after the blood was taken and a little plastic rod stuffed in the other arm.

I also saw a very funny movie about the origins of the "hand held mobile massager" ;). It was called Hysteria and I would recommend it to other females for kicks.

Long Day Tomorrow...

It was another sore day today. My R foot especially. I was hobbling around quite a lot >.>....buying that walking stick on monday. 

This one. isn't it cute :)

Feeling a bit better now, but i'm dreading tomorrow. Not only do I have to go visit the vampires again, but I have to do the EMDR therapy again. It ended up being quite rough last time...so i'm not sure how it'll go this time around. I'm also getting an Implanon contraceptive stick put in since apparently the bc pill can increase migraines, which I was recently (yesterday) diagnosed with. Fun stuff. It's going to be a long day tomorrow. 

Processing

The fatigue continues. Joints aren't too bad, but oh my aching legs! Hopefully that means the muscles are building up ;).

Not too much today other than being mostly bed-bound and trying out my new thermos. Early to bed I think, maybe after a nice hot bath. Milo is especially cuddly today.

I'm still emotionally a bit off from yesterday. I feel like thinking about certain things is effecting me more than it normally would. I'm hoping this means my mind is processing it and soon i'll be able to move on. We'll see. I'm not looking forward to the next session of EMDR.

Jaw is a bit sore today, hands, KNEES, slight headache, slight fever, mild ongoing cramps (for at least a week now, wtf?).

Not as Blah.

Feeling mostly better today.

It has been a long day though. I had my first session of EMDR therapy today. It was difficult. More difficult than I thought it would be. Quite a roller coaster of emotions. But if it will help my poor brain to process the difficult things i've been through than it'll be worth it. I'm glad I have such a lovely therapist, but it's so hard having to re-live difficult things.

In other news, I had my second exercise class today. It wen't much better than the first now that I know some things to do and I don't have to wait for instructions. I also got the physio to give me some extra core strengthening things to do at home :). I'm feeling very tired now after having so much emotional and physical stress. Good stress, mostly, but still stress.

MTX wasn't too bad. A bit tired, a bit of a sore tummy, but joint pain has gone down in general. Jaw was still a little sore but nothing like yesterday.

The occupational therapist pushed back my appointment again :/ and for some reason called my MiL to make sure I knew not to come in on friday >.>....k.

Irritation

I've been having some stomach pain lately. I think it's from the anti-inflammitories/prednisone. Not my fav. Blah. I haven't been feeling very well emotionally either. It might be because my medicine is being adjusted, or maybe because i'm frustrated at medical stuffs. Either way it isn't much fun. I'm tired quite a lot of the time as well, maybe i'm going through a flare. The mtx hangover continued on through most of today with a bit of nausea, a slight headache, fatigue and brain fog.

Counselling went well, she taught me an interesting breathing technique. I didn't end up swimming because I was too tired. I did, however, find a pair of sneakers that I think would be alright. Bit of a hefty price tag though >.> but they are supposed to be really good shoes..meh.

Pain: R KNEE, wrists, R elbow, shoulders, toes, R ankle, jaw, wore knee brace today. It did help support my knee but caused irritation behind the knee and around the knee cap.

Fun Times With MTX

It's been a hecktic few days. On monday I finally got to see the rheumy, who once more told me my arthritis is mild (I know that, but telling me over and over doesn't make my knuckles hurt less!) and seemed irritated that I was doing my own research >.>. I had to badger him a bit to sign a form for me to get some occupational therapy for my hands :/ but I persevered!  He then gave me a script for methotrexate (mtx) and folic acid and sent me on my way. I'm awfully glad i've done my own research though, because he told me absolutely nothing about methotrexate beyond it's a chemo drug but the dose for arthritis is much much smaller. Nothing about avoiding too much sunlight or tanning beds or not taking NSAIDS within 24 hours (bad for your liver) or call your doctor right away if you develop a dry cough because your lungs could be dying >.>...

Anyway, I was pretty sick about 6 hours after I took my dose, and continued to be nauseous for most of yesterday. I also was nauseous today about an hour after taking my normal meds. Thus prompted the call and trip to the gp. Wonderful gp discussed mtx with me, we talked about options for dealing with the nausea, she asked about other problems and sent me off with a script for an anti-nausea med to take a few hours after I take the mtx.

I also saw my counselor for the first time yesterday. I have the feeling it's going to be difficult to work though the problems I want to, but it'll be worth it in the end :). She seems like a really lovely person as well, very easy to talk to. Which is always a plus for a counselor XD.

Pain: arms, shoulders especially (might be more muscle), jaw, ankles, toes, R knee, hips

Meth(otrexate) Hangover

Ugh. So the methotrexate basically kicked my butt. I went to bed fuzzy headed and slightly nauseous and woke up at 2:30 am sick. Didn't get back to sleep until about 4 or 4:30. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who stayed home to take care of me today and allowed me to sleep for a while longer. What is worse is Milo (our pup) was also sick today :( once more, wonderful husband to the rescue <3.

I also had my first counselling appointment today. She seemed very kind and patient. Hopefully it will be a good fit :). I also was able to make the cake I wanted for valentines day. I made this cake from the lovely Pastry Affair. I did substitute rice bran oil for the butter and used dairy free chocolate to make it GF/DF. I also added a bit of powdered sugar to the icing to sweeten up the 70% dark chocolate. It turned out pretty well, the texture was maybe a bit odd but I suppose that is how it is with an egg based cake? The chocolate icing was yummy :). Though now my tummy is unhappy >.>. Maybe it's no good to eat delicious cake with a methotrexate hangover?

Pain: all over, still nauseous. Fuzzy headed and a headache all day as well.